We in Britain are blessed not only with the most exciting football league but the most hilarious punditry. Commentators speak a language that wouldn’t be understood or tolerated anywhere but inside the confines of the football stadium or pub. “A spotters badge” to you if you can understand how “a boy whose on fire arriving at the back stick, latching on to a hollywood ball, can slot one in off the woodwork.” If you are excited by a world full of such Shakespearean soccer wordsmithery and can deliver up some proper football cliches and name and honour (or shame) the men who uttered them I’d be glad to keep a log of them. I’ll take every cliche as it comes, so set your stall out, why don’t you.

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