Hello, and welcome to week two of my exciting betting column. First of all I’d like to start with an apology to anyone reading this in the States who is just itching to wazz their hard earned at the nearest online bookies only to find themselves thwarted by the latest gambling regulations. If it’s any consolation, I didn’t do quite so well this week.

So, this week’s tactics. As stated last week, I went for ten £2 bets on correct scores only this time – there were no odds that really jumped out at me so I didn’t bother with any £3 punts. I took a more formally mathematical approach based on scoring/conceding averages in recent games to give me a rough idea of what was likely to happen and then applied various factors such as: Wayne Rooney is going to score one of these days, Kevin Nolan is suspended, Aston Villa are over rated, Mark Viduka has a broken toe, etc, etc. As I’ve yet to come up with a formula that contains such factors I just went round adding or taking a goal away here and there as I saw fit.

The first game went entirely to plan: Sheffield United 0 – 2 Chelsea with the West Londoners cruising to a two goal lead and then just passing the ball about. Easy money. Unfortunately it all went a bit pear shaped then – trend bucking aplenty. Wayne Rooney finally rids himself of the bovine behind/stringed instrument hoodoo whilst Bolton not only start conceding at home but they do it for fun. Liverpool get their act together in the Premiership and Villa scarcely turn up (I’d predicted a 2-0 home win so I was close). Arsenal louse it up at home, as do Fulham. West Ham actually win a game. And so on.

Come the end of play Sunday I’d still only netted the one correct score so I was staring down the barrel of a tenner up the Swanee. It all hinged on Stuart Pearce’s Manchester City. Imagine my surprise when I got in on Monday night to discover that, lo and behold, they had actually won 1-0 at home as I’d predicted. The week was saved: £20 staked, £25ish returned – so a tidy £5 profit. Sweet.

This week I’ve been looking at the distribution of scores for the season so far – I have a new favourite result now. We shall see how I fare, armed with this knowledge, at the weekend. Same betting tactic as this week, there’s not enough in the pot to chance £3 a match yet…

Players: 44 out of 49. Points scored: 241. Highest score: 11 (Mazair Sattari). Average score: 5.47. Prediction of the Week: Arsenal 1-1 Everton (Neil Hayes).

Results: Arsenal 1-1 Everton (1); Bolton 0-4 Manchester United (0); Fulham 0-1 Wigan (1); Liverpool 3-1 Aston Villa (0); Newcastle 0-0 Charlton (2); Portsmouth 3-1 Reading (1); Sheffield United 0-2 Chelsea (19); Watford 0-0 Tottenham Hotspur (4); West Ham 2-1 Blackburn (2); Manchester City 1-0 Middlesbrough (8).

You bet he’s at the top! Nick Watson pilfers more money from the grubby mitts of the bookies this week and finds himself perched atop the Predictorship for the very first time. The Tractor Boy ploughed more money into his extra-curricular activity and turned a “lad broke” situation into a small profit thanks to Sheffield United 0 Chelsea 2 and Manchester City 1 Middlesbrough 0.

Nick and Hope Arnold are both on 68 points but Nick’s 16 correct scores (three more than Hope) curtails the Manchester United supporter’s five-week run at the top. Christine Butters and Dave Taylor are three points adrift of the leaders and Mike Dufficy lurks a further point behind. Can Mike become the first person to retain his Predictorship crown?

What do you get if you take this week’s average score (5.47) and double it? No, not 10.94 clever clogs. In a round-about way you get Mazair Sattari’s top score of 11, remarkably three points more than any other predictor and two points better off than know-it-all pundit and former Preston, Brighton, Liverpool and Republic of Ireland stalwart Mark Lawrenson, who gives you the lowdown each week on the BBC sport website (did we miss a trick here - celebrity guest predicting?).

“After being absent for four weeks, Seattle Gooners is back,” announced Mazair. That could be the understatement of the week. The games at Newcastle, Portsmouth (which almost won him prediction of the week, as did Hope’s Fulham 0 Wigan 1) and Watford set the Gooner on his way, which all goes to prove that you CAN predict 0-0’s and beat Norman at his own game.

Stuart Claxton, whose season thus far has been as enjoyable as an FA Cup draw hosted by Sir Trevor Brooking, is still 49th. He has now been missing in action for six weeks straight. Rumours of his resignation from the Predictorship have been greatly exaggerated.

Last week we asked you which Predictorship player has the same name as a Premiership player if you swap around his forename and surname. The answer is, of course, John Collins, who miraculously becomes Fulham’s Liberian-born Dutch striker Collins John. Those crazy people at Fulham decided to introduce Collins to his adoring public before making his debut against Tottenham in 2004 and asked ex-Fulham midfielder (and new Hibernian boss) John Collins to do the honours. John, incidentally, is not Millwall fan and Predictorship Cup-holder John Collins. Glad we cleared that one up.

Quote of the week (warm drink and comfortable chair advisable):

Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov threatened to sell his entire squad to “Kilmarnock or whatever club will take them” (a quote of the week in itself) unless they defeated Dunfermline on Saturday, before embarking on an extraordinary rant, selected snippets of which are lovingly reproduced right here on www.fccamena.com:

“You (the media) remind me of those Bolsheviks in Soviet times who wanted to shoot a peasant only because he planted the seeds following his own way, and not their instructions. Once they were ready to shoot a peasant, but a clever one stopped them and said: “Let’s shoot him in the autumn after he has gathered his harvest”. I guess that if you could, I would have already been shot by now, but whilst you can’t, full of hate and anger, you are spreading manure on my crops.

“As for my naval service, I was serving not in the name and ideals of Marx and Engels, who were brought up in the West, but to my motherland on the legendary K19 submarine. Together with other submarine crews we made Cold War ideologists sign a peace deal which rescued the whole world from a catastrophic nuclear war. The sailors were dying, (but) not for people like you, who are spreading poison on the beautiful vastness of the earth. Actually, the K19 crew from that horrific nuclear accident has been nominated to get the Nobel Peace Prize. It will be an award to all submariners that conquered the ocean and won against the Cold War’s crazy ideologists.”

Meanwhile, back in the world of football …

Last week, as my fellow Predictorship players may already be aware, I decided to hurl myself headlong into the exciting world of online gambling in an attempt to turn my Premiership knowledge into hard cash. Despite having very little betting experience (I’ve, in fact, only ever won one bet ever which was placed on a greyhound called Brenda’s something-or-other) I decided that my meteoric rise into nose-bleed territory in the Predictorship would guarantee me sure-fire success.

My initial plan was to place twenty £1 bets: one for each of the predicted results, one for each of the predicted scores thereby only committing myself to a potential liability of £20. So, with this in mind, I set up about scouring the form statistics on www.football365.com and came up with a bunch of plausible scores - scores that I was willing to stake 20 quid on. Unfortunately, after setting up an account with www.betfair.com I discovered that the minimum stake was £2. After about 30 seconds umming and ahhing I decided that I’d go ahead with my original plan but with twenty £2 bets – I’d gone on about it all so much to Dave Roberts and any other Predictorship players around the office who’d listen after all. So £40 it was. Except that, in my excitement, I accidentally bet on one score twice (more on that later) and I ended up staking £42.

I had every intention of listening to all the matches I could live on BBC Radio 5 Live, I thought this would add even more excitement to proceedings. Unfortunately, due to a slightly excessive Friday night on the town, I ended up dozing off through most of Saturday’s matches. When I finally awoke I discovered that I’d already predicted two corrects scores. And it gets better still – that errant double bet was on Everton 2 – 0 Sheffield United – which was indeed the final score. Which meant I was in profit already – just as well, I lost out on the 5.15pm kick off as Fulham earned an away point at Villa Park (I’d predicted a 2-1 home win).

Sunday started well, I watched Manchester United beat Liverpool 2-0, as I’d predicted – the only downside to this was that I watched it with two of my friends who are Liverpool fans – they weren’t quite so pleased with the result. The rest of the day was quiet, I landed two more correct results but no more correct scores. Net result: £42 staked, £86 return giving a profit of £44. Not bad for a first timer.

Next week I’m going to reduce my stake to £20 by only placing bets on the correct scores – the odds on the correct results simply aren’t worth it. Although I may allow myself £3 on whatever turns up to be the highest odds score I’ve predicted just for added excitement.

Players: 45 out of 49. Points scored: 324. Highest score: 11 (Nigel Birrell). Average score: 7.20. Prediction of the Week: Charlton 0-0 Watford (Norman No Mates).

Results: Aston Villa 1-1 Fulham (6); Charlton 0-0 Watford (1); Chelsea 2-1 Portsmouth (14); Everton 2-0 Sheffield United (18); Wigan 4-0 Manchester City (0); Blackburn 0-1 Bolton (6); Manchester United 2-0 Liverpool (10); Middlesbrough 1-0 Newcastle (9); Reading 0-4 Arsenal (0); Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 West Ham (6).

His team may be propping up the Premiership but N.B. - or Nigel Birrell to his fellow predictors - is now on the cusp of something beautiful with Charlton Pathetic. Four correct scores (the tussles at Chelsea, Everton, Manchester United and Middlesbrough) enable the Predictorship there-or-thereabouts man to rack up 11 points and climb to 14th. At this stage of the season, we should really be making plans for Nigel: his name means champion …

Tractor boy Nick Watson is hitting the headlines once again this week. Not only is he now a solitary point shy of faltering Predictorship pace-setter Hope Arnold, but he attempted to give the bookies a “damn good hiding” last weekend by placing £1 bets on his correct result and correct score predictions. The outcome was not as grizzly as you might expect, and with nine points (six correct results and three correct scores) to his name, he left the bookies with just enough profit for a lukewarm cup of tea and an under-cooked meat pie in celebration of Ipswich Town’s 3-1 derby day win at Southend. Tune in next week for more news about Nick’s fluctuating bank balance.

2005-2006 champion Mike Dufficy and Spanish property tycoon Sanjiv Sachdev take the remaining plaudits this week, slamming home 10 points apiece, and Stuart Claxton, fresh from seeing his Reading boys ritually humiliated by the Arsenal, remains on course for the coveted wooden spoon in 49th.

As we all know, however, it’s a marathon and not a sprint, and while Stuart must be feeling as sick as a parrot with his back against the wall, it’s a season of two halves and, providing he gives 110% and takes each game as it comes, he should be in there with a chance long before the fat lady has treated us to a song.

Want another tea-time teaser? Well you’re in luck! Only one Predictorshipper has a name which, if you swap around their forename and surname, magically reveals the name of a Premiership striker. Who is the footballer in question? For starters, rule out Savage Nicola, Young Mark, Gold Simon and Whitty Michael! Answer next week.

Quotes of the week:

BBC reporter to Sheffield United boss Neil Warnock after the Everton match: “Penalty. Red card. Discuss”. Warnock: “Discuss? Of course I’m disgusted!”.

“It has been a milky performance” - Hopelessly out-of-his-depth football pundit David Pleat on Manchester United’s 3-0 demolition of FC Copenhagen. What do you think he meant?

And another from the archives: “You can’t say my team aren’t winners. They’ve proved that by finishing fourth, third and second in the last three years” - Gerard Houllier, manager of Premiership losers Liverpool, 1998-2004.

Players: 41 out of 49. Points scored: 261. Highest score: 12 (Christine Butters). Average score: 6.36. Prediction of the Week: Liverpool 1-1 Blackburn (Basil Bradley, James Bradley, Brian Dunlop, Steve McHugh, Rob Molloy, Wendy Nathan).

Results: Arsenal 3-0 Watford (3); Aston Villa 1-1 Tottenham Hotspur (8); Liverpool 1-1 Blackburn (6); Manchester City 0-0 Sheffield United (3); Middlesbrough 2-1 Everton (2); Portsmouth 2-0 West Ham (9); Reading 0-1 Chelsea (6); Wigan 1-3 Manchester United (2); Newcastle 1-2 Bolton (7); Fulham 2-1 Charlton (8).

Christine Butters (Manchester City) is this week’s Predictorship hot shot and claims the season’s top score so far (12). Christine, who rockets from 19th to fourth position in the latest table, is aided by a remarkable five correct scores (the games at Aston Villa, Middlesbrough, Wigan, Newcastle and Fulham), a feat not witnessed since Janet Jones and Stewart Newport recorded five and six correct scores respectively in Stewart’s record-breaking, 15-point week during the 2005-2006 season.

Hope Arnold (Manchester United) has her lead cut to four points by Nick Watson (Ipswich Town). Hope, who earlier in the week confirmed she was “feeling the pressure”, took a major gamble on Reading beating Premiership champions Chelsea 2-1 but was saved by Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s injury-time strike for Manchester United and Fulham’s 2-1 win against Charlton.

Pete Yoder (Wolverhampton Wanderers) has the most correct scores to his name (13) and moves into third place, ahead of Christine in fourth and David Roberts (Watford) in fifth, who, in his own words, was either “brave or stupid” to predict a 1-1 draw between Arsenal and Watford. Rob Dimery (Cheltenham Town) sneaks into the top 30 with four correct scores and 11 points, which would have been good enough to take top score honours in all but two weeks this season.

Decent scores for Brian Dunlop (Purple Haze), Alex Iskandar Liew (Tricky Trees) and Michael Whitty (Bunch of Losers), condemn Stuart Claxton (Reading) to a third week at the foot of the table.

If you’re still wondering about the footballer who shares his surname with the team he plays for and scored during the recent set of international fixtures: Steven Ireland.

“To be really happy, we must throw our hearts over the bar and hope that our bodies will follow” - Graham Taylor, England manager (yes, another one), 1990-1993

Players: 44 out of 49. Points scored: 165. Highest score: 8 (John Collins, Mark Young). Average score: 3.75. Prediction of the Week: England 0-0 Macedonia (Norman No Mates).

Results: Bulgaria 1-1 Holland (4); Cyprus 5-2 Republic of Ireland (0); Denmark 0-0 Northern Ireland (1); England 0-0 Macedonia (1); Hungary 0-1 Turkey (5); Italy 2-0 Ukraine (10); Scotland 1-0 France (0); Sweden 2-0 Spain (3); Wales 1-5 Slovakia (0); Germany 2-0 Georgia (9).

England 0 Macedonia 0. Scotland 1 France 0. Cyprus 5 Republic of Ireland 2. Wales 1 Slovakia 5. Of this week’s 39 players, only an extra-perceptive Norman No Mates saw one of those results in his crystal ball (England 0 Macedonia 0, of course): 176 predictions, one correct score. We should all be grateful to Italy and Germany, whose 2-0 wins bumped up the weekly average to a mediocre 3.75.

Another low-scoring week is great news for Hope Arnold, who steers her Manchester United charges to five points, extends her lead at the top of the Predictorship to six points and now, rather neatly, has an average weekly score of exactly seven this season.

Is there any hope (the last pun, I promise) for the rest of us? Nick Watson (Ipswich Town) is the latest predictor to take up the challenge of bringing Hope back down to earth, moving into second place with 43 points, hotly pursued by Haresh Mirani (Bengal Mumbai F.C.), Pete Yoder (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Dave Taylor (Chelsea), David Roberts (Watford) and Nicola Savage (Winchester City), who are all on 42 points.

The real stars of the show, however, are John Collins (Millwall) and “Baggies Boy” Mark Young (West Bromwich Albion), who climb 16 places to 9th and 14 places to 16th respectively after bagging eight points apiece, all the more remarkable as only Saleel Sathe (Liverpool Reserves) managed to score more than five points this week. John had the Hungary, Italy and Sweden results spot on and Mark added a “bonus selection” - the firing of Wales manager John Toshack. We shall see …

Through no fault of his own, Michael Whitty’s Bunch of Losers are now at the foot of the table, with Stuart Claxton’s continued absence from the Reading dugout propelling him up the league.

The Predictorship gets a little bit more comprehensive this week with the introduction of a correct scores tally. In the results section above, the number in brackets after each score shows how many people correctly predicted the exact result of the match in question. So, for example, nobody (surprise surprise) went for a 5-2 win for Cyprus against the Republic of Ireland, but four players did mark their card with a 1-1 draw for the Bulgaria v Holland encounter.

And finally, here’s another tea-time teaser: Who am I? I am a Premiership midfielder who scored my first international goal last weekend. Not unlike Chelsea shot-stopper Petr Cech (although the spelling is slightly different and he’s not called Petr Czech Republic), I have the same surname as the country I play for. Answer next week …

“International football is one clog further up the football ladder” - Glenn Hoddle, England manager (there’s a theme developing here), 1996-1999

Players: 41 out of 49. Points scored: 216. Highest score: 11 (David Roberts). Average score: 5.26. Prediction of the Week: Chelsea 1-1 Aston Villa (Neil Hayes, Stewart Newport, David Roberts).

Results: Bolton 2-0 Liverpool; Charlton 1-2 Arsenal; Chelsea 1-1 Aston Villa; Everton 1-1 Manchester City; Sheffield United 2-1 Middlesbrough; Blackburn 2-1 Wigan; Manchester United 2-0 Newcastle; Tottenham Hotspur 2-1 Portsmouth; West Ham 0-1 Reading; Watford 3-3 Fulham.

Blatant play-acting at Tottenham, bare-faced cheek at Everton, goalkeepers handling outside the penalty area at Bolton (for outside read well inside), ultra-friendly managers at Chelsea and the latest installment of Steven Taylor’s hilarious guide to being hit by a sniper’s bullet and falling to the ground clutching a part of the body that is definitely NOT his arm. Fortunately, the clean-cut Predictorship is not afflicted with such liars, cheats and scoundrels and stands for all that is good about the beautiful game.

Witness Predictorship founder David Roberts’ achievements this week: 11 points, seven correct results, four correct scores and not a bung or ill-timed dive in sight. The Watford man, who watched his side almost snatch defeat from the jaws of victory on Monday night, becomes the first predictor to reach the magical 11-point mark this term and rises from 29th to 8th in the process.

Hope Arnold (Manchester United), meanwhile, extends her lead at the top to four points thanks to another four correct scores and a grand total of nine points. Only an off-colour Paul Dolan (Metrostars), in 34th, Nick Watson (Ipswich Town), who climbs to 4th, and Haresh Mirani (Bengal Mumbai F.C.), who rises 16 places to 6th, can match Hope’s haul.

In the ‘poor’ category, three players register a meagre two points, but not even they can prevent another week at the bottom for Stuart Claxton (Reading), whose late nights at the GWR office in London perfecting the company’s impressive, all-new website have taken their toll on his predicting skills (or lack of them). As Yazz and her Plastic Population once declared: ‘The Only Way is Up’.

And finally, the first in our series of memorable quotes from people within the game who should know much better …

“Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales” - Ron Greenwood, England manager, 1977-1982

More next week …