Nigel Birrell and Ted Warland are week 3’s hotshots, both slotting home 10 times. Arsenal fan Ted lies fourth in the table, just two points off the pace, as Charlton Pathetic’s Nigel rises 22 places to 14th.

Four predictors weigh in with nine points: Mike Dufficy (2nd), Alex Iskandar Liew (6th), Dave Taylor (7th) and Stewart Newport (10th), but Seattle Gooners boss Maziar Sattari remains in pole position for a second week, his scores arriving in the nick of time following an ill-timed “outbox malfunction”.

Southampton’s Tom Palmer and the aforementioned Ted share ‘Prediction of the Week’ honours for Middlesbrough 2-2 Newcastle – two of an incredible 59 correct score predictions. Fifteen bright sparks (38.4% of this week’s predictorate) “gambled” on Aston Villa 2-1 Fulham.

On the card front, 11 players pick up yellow cards this week, including the nine basement boys and girl who have been absent for all three weeks of the season (where are ya?), and Michael Whitty sees red – sent to the stands after an altercation with a Predictorship official.

Finally, some food for thought. Should The Predictorship be renamed The Predictor League now the top tier of English football is referred to as The Premier League?

Premiership Results (Week 3): Arsenal 1-0 Manchester City (7); Aston Villa 2-1 Fulham (15); Bolton 3-0 Reading (0); Chelsea 1-0 Portsmouth (3); Derby 1-2 Birmingham (6); Everton 1-1 Blackburn (4); Sunderland 0-2 Liverpool (12); West Ham 1-1 Wigan (5); Manchester United 1-0 Tottenham (6); Middlesbrough 2-2 Newcastle (2).
* Figures in brackets show the number of correct score predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 3): 10 – Nigel Birrell, Ted Warland.
Average Score (Week 3): 6.87.
Predictions of the Week (Week 3): Tom Palmer and Ted Warland (Middlesbrough 2-2 Newcastle).

Top of the Table (Week 3):

1. Seattle Gooners (Maziar Sattari) – 22 pts
2. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 22 pts
3. FC Squan 1980 (Patrick Bevilacqua) – 21 pts
4. Arsenal (Ted Warland) – 20 pts
5. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 20 pts
6. Tricky Trees (Alex Iskandar Liew) – 20 pts
7. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 20 pts
8. Liverpool (Joe Zalewski) – 19 pts
9. Millwall (John Collins) – 19 pts
10. Wycombe Wanderers (Stewart Newport) – 19 pts

“I’ve had a good long word with myself and have let it be known that a two-point haul simply isn’t good enough and if I don’t see six points plus week in week out I’ll be getting some Spanish fella I’ve never heard of to come in and do my predictions” – Ipswich Town gaffer Nick Watson (six points). I hear Manuel from Fawlty Towers is looking for work …

What an amazing week for Maziar Sattari’s Seattle Gooners: 11 points, four correct scores, a two-point lead at the top of the table and not a WAG in sight. Roy Keane will be delighted.

Maziar’s gargantuan haul, which moves him 31 places up the fledgling table, includes perfect scores for the matches at Birmingham, Reading, Liverpool and, impressively, Manchester City. Simon Gold and Pete Yoder, with seven points apiece, trail in his wake (as we all do).

There are two more new players to introduce this week: Ian Starr (Starsenal), a Seattle-based program manager for Microsoft who has a soft spot for Cesc Fabregas and Oleg Luzhny, and Ben Wallis (Northampton Town), a policy executive for the Ofcom Consumer Panel in London with a passion for Ultimate Frisbee (or just plain Ultimate), a “non-contact competitive team sport played with a 175 gram flying disc.”

Despite last week’s warning, nine predictors have fallen foul of the league’s new yellow/red card law. Shown on the table with a red card beside their names, these nine players have been AWOL for two consecutive weeks and therefore score 0 points this week. Michael Whitty, GWR’s picture desk professor, will also come face to face with a big fat zero if he fails to come to the party next week.

Remember, if you’re on holiday, hospitalised, having computer problems or severely traumatised by the death of a family pet (or you can cobble together any other excuse), you can appeal against yellow and red cards.

Premiership Results (Week 2): Birmingham 0-1 West Ham (3); Fulham 1-2 Middlesbrough (2); Newcastle 0-0 Aston Villa (1); Portsmouth 3-1 Bolton (1); Reading 1-0 Everton (6); Tottenham 4-0 Derby (3); Wigan 3-0 Sunderland (0); Blackburn 1-1 Arsenal (7); Liverpool 1-1 Chelsea (8); Manchester City 1-0 Manchester United (3).
* Figures in brackets show the number of correct score predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 2): 11 – Maziar Sattari.
Average Score (Week 2): 4.43
Predictions of the Week (Week 2): Dave McAleer (Portsmouth 3-1 Bolton); Tom Palmer, Ben Wallis and Mark Young (Tottenham 4-0 Derby); Patrick Bevilacqua, Mike Dufficy and Maziar Sattari (Manchester City 1-0 Manchester United).

Top of the Table (Week 2):

1. Seattle Gooners (Maziar Sattari) – 15 pts
2. FC Squan 1980 (Patrick Bevilacqua) – 13 pts
3. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 13 pts
4. Millwall (John Collins) – 13 pts
5. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 13 pts
6. Q.P.R. (Gary Waller) – 12 pts
7. Liverpool (Joe Zalewski) – 12 pts
8. Philadelphia Eagles (Gabe Bevilacqua) – 11 pts
9. Liverpool Lawro (Mark Lawrenson) – 11 pts
10. Reading Reserves (Rob Molloy) – 10 pts

“These so-called big stars are people we are supposed to be looking up to. Well, they are weak and soft. If they don’t want to come because their wife wants to go shopping in London, it’s a sad state of affairs.

“If there is nothing to do then find something to do. Someone once told me that people who are bored are boring. People who get bored coming to the north-east are bored because they are boring. It is nothing to do with the shops” – Sunderland manager Roy Keane.

Thanks Gabe, and welcome to The Predictorship 2007-08. It’s season nine, if you’re counting.

So what’s new around here? First of all, we have some fresh talent – Saleel Sathe’s wife, Anuradha Shenoy (New England), and the Wallers, Gary and Marion, who take up managerial roles at Q.P.R. and Queens Park Rangers respectively. (If you think these teams are one and the same, think again.) A warm welcome to you all.

Elsewhere, Norman No Mates has been sacked as manager of The Nil-Nils, usurped by his long-suffering wife, Norma, and for the first time in Predictorship history we have a celebrity predictor, BBC pundit and former Liverpool defender Mark Lawrenson. “Lawro” is a seasoned predictor on the BBC Sport website, and his scores will be fed into the Predictorship merry-go-round this season. Can you beat the master at his own game? Come and ‘ave a go if you think you’re ‘ard enough!

The top 27 predictors from last season are back onboard, but we say ‘au revoir’ to Brian Dunlop (Purple Haze), Scott Christie (Aberdeen), Paul Bentley (Living the Dream) and Della Torra (Bournemouth).

Now to the rule changes:

1. Yellow and Red Cards.

A yellow card will be awarded if you don’t submit your scores in any given week (as before, players who fail to submit scores will be awarded 10 0-0 scores). A red card will be awarded if you don’t submit your scores for a second consecutive week. For that second week, predictors with red cards will score 0 points (i.e. they are not even awarded 0-0 scores).

Yellow cards will be “rescinded” if you submit your scores the week after picking up a yellow card, although yellow cards will stay on your record and will result in a “suspension” if you pick up a further four yellow cards during the season (see below).

If you pick up five yellow cards during the season, you will receive a “suspension”: the week you get your fifth yellow card, you will score 0 points for that week (i.e. you will not score points for 0-0 scores). For every five yellow cards you pick up, you will be “suspended” for a week.

You will be exempt from receiving yellow and red cards if you go on holiday, but you should let us know when you’ll be out of action – otherwise you’ll be penalised for absenteeism.

The best advice I can offer to anyone confused by this new rule: submit your scores every week and you won’t get into trouble!

2. Failing to Submit Your Scores.

All players who don’t submit their scores in any given week will be awarded 10 0-0 scores – without exception. You cannot choose alternative default scores in place of 0-0s.

Finally, I’d be grateful if you could take a couple of minutes to fill in the following questionnaire, which will give me some ammunition for my write-ups! Please forward your completed questionnaire to mattwhite03@hotmail.com. Many thanks.

* Name:
* Nickname (optional):
* Predictorship team (2007-2008):
* Soccer team(s) supported (if different):
* Age (optional):
* Occupation, company name and town/city of work:
* Home town/city:
* Place of birth:
* Predictorship debut (if known):
* Predictorship honours:
* Favourite soccer player(s):
* Favourite goal:
* Favourite sport(s) (other than soccer):
* Explain the offside rule in 20 words or less (optional!):

And so to Week 1. 2005-06 champions John Collins (the inaugural Predictorship Cup) and Mike Dufficy (The Predictorship) lead the pack after the first weekend of action, with Arsenal’s Ted Warland – the only predictor to bag three correct scores – hot on their heels.

New dad Simon Gold, who is busy nurturing “Spurs’ left winger for the 2024-25 season”, finds himself at the bottom of the pile with two points, below the 11 – yes, 11 – absent predictors in week 1. As explained above, you 11 will be given red cards and score no points if you fail to show your faces in week 2. This is your first and final warning.

Premiership Results (Week 1): Aston Villa 1-2 Liverpool (9); Bolton 1-3 Newcastle (0); Derby 2-2 Portsmouth (0); Everton 2-1 Wigan (6); Middlesbrough 1-2 Blackburn (6); Sunderland 1-0 Tottenham (5); West Ham 0-2 Manchester City (0); Arsenal 2-1 Fulham (12); Chelsea 3-2 Birmingham (0); Manchester United 0-0 Reading (1).
* Figures in brackets show the number of correct score predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 1): 8 – John Collins, Mike Dufficy.
Average Score (Week 1): 5.42
Prediction of the Week (Week 1): Joe Zalewski (Manchester United 1-1 Reading) – the only predictor who thought Manchester United would NOT start the defence of their Premiership title with three points. He was right.

Top of the Table (Week 1):

1. Millwall (John Collins) – 8 pts
2. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 8 pts
3. Arsenal (Ted Warland) – 7 pts
4. Philadelphia Eagles (Gabe Bevilacqua) – 7 pts
5. FC Squan 1980 (Patrick Bevilacqua) – 7 pts
6. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 7 pts
7. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 7 pts
8. New England (Anuradha Shenoy) – 7 pts
9. Q.P.R. (Gary Waller) – 7 pts
10. Liverpool (Joe Zalewski) – 7 pts