OK, time to come clean.

Us Brits knew very little about Major League Soccer before old Goldenballs headed for the Galaxy, and we still know very little about it if this week’s stab-in-the-dark predictions are anything to go by (Gary Waller, you’re excused).

A cursory glance at the official MLS website (www.mlsnet.com), where East meets West, away teams are listed FIRST and proud parents are encouraged to submit home videos of their silky-skilled kids in the search for the next Freddy Adu (via Ghana, of course), Landon Donovan or the legendary (insert loud cough here) John Harkes reveals the sad and sorry truth.

A goalless draw for Chicago Fire at DC United? You must be joking! An unexpected 2-1 win for Colorado Rapids at Chivas USA (you know, not the Chivas in Mexico or China, nor the blended Scotch whisky)? Who’d have thought it? I’ll tell you who: Stateside resident and FC Camena’s very own Gabe Bevilacqua. If he doesn’t know the score, nobody will.

“Wot? The US Major Soccer League?” enquired Cheltenham Town’s Rob Dimery as he stumbled across the fixtures. “What about the Principality Building Society Welsh Premier League, may I ask? Doesn’t that get a look-in?” After this horror show, I say bring on Caersws, Carmarthen and Caernarfon. That should flummox the Americans.

Emerging with his head held high after the MLS debacle is Q.P.R. fan Gary Waller, all the way from Hoddesdon in Hertfordshire (yes, a Brit!). Gary collected four points from three MLS games (including a spot-on 2-1 win for Becks’ LA Galaxy against Toronto FC) and helped himself to a laudable 10 points.

Two more of Gary’s points came from England’s 3-0 win over Estonia – England’s fifth successive 3-0 result in the qualifiers for next summer’s European Championships. It’s a minor miracle only seven predictors spotted the eerie pattern.

Gary’s meteoric rise up the table (to 20th) overshadows some respectable eights from defending champion Christine Butters, Rob Molloy, David Roberts, Ted Warland and Marion Waller, who, for this week only, is not Gary’s better half.

A staggering 45% of this week’s 40 players went for Azerbaijan 0 Portugal 2, but there were some even more outlandish scores from four predictors who rode some stormy waves and lived to tell the tale after pushing their boats out a little too far. See below for further details.

Vacancy – apply now! Unless any of you lot want to take up the post of Predictorship scribe, the league’s weekly round-up on FC Camena goes on hiatus from now until the week commencing 19th November, when you’ll be treated to an all-encompassing, bumper-sized review of the previous four weeks and the current week’s action. Your stat-utory rights are unaffected as you’ll still get an updated league table each week to keep you in the picture.

European Championship Qualifying Results (Week 10): England 3-0 Estonia (7); Scotland 3-1 Ukraine (1); Cyprus 3-1 Wales (0); Republic of Ireland 0-0 Germany (1); Azerbaijan 0-2 Portugal (18); Faroe Islands 0-6 France (1); Denmark 1-3 Spain (1); Major League Soccer Results (Week 10): DC United 0-0 Chicago Fire (2); Los Angeles Galaxy 2-1 Toronto FC (7); Chivas USA 1-2 Colorado Rapids (1).
* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 10): 10 – Gary Waller.
Average Score (Week 10): 6.05.
Predictions of the Week (Week 10): Gabe Bevilacqua (Chivas USA 1-2 Colorado Rapids), Christine Butters (Scotland 3-1 Ukraine), Simon Gold (Denmark 1-3 Spain) and Matthew White (Faroe Islands 0-6 France) – this week’s four fabulous unique predictions.

Top of the Table (Week 10):

1. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 76 pts
2. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 71 pts
3. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 70 pts
4. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 69 pts
5. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 66 pts
6. Philadelphia Eagles (Gabe Bevilacqua) – 66 pts
7. Wycombe Wanderers (Stewart Newport) – 66 pts
8. Millwall (John Collins) – 66 pts
9. Seattle Gooners (Maziar Sattari) – 65 pts
10. Crystal Palace (Dave McAleer) – 65 pts

The legendary videprinter has been spewing out 1-0 after 1-0 in recent weeks (except, of course, for the one week this frustrated predictor attempted to jump aboard the bandwagon with six 1-0s of his own), and this week is certainly no exception.

Three more 1-0s give Dave Taylor an Iain Starr-equalling 12-point week, sending him seven points clear of Jersey United’s Mike Dufficy after just nine weeks of the season. The fat lady’s tonsils are not even lukewarm but it’s already looking like Dave for the Predictorship title. Or is it?

The question bugging Saleel Sathe (our other 1-0 fanatic) and the other also-rans (also known as the rest of us) is “How on earth do I outwit the Chelsea maestro?” There is no simple solution, but predicting lots of draws from now until the end of time, and hoping lots of spoils are shared in the Premier League, could knock Dave off his lofty perch.

Dave McAleer and Sally Moon – both in the form of their lives – and the aforementioned Saleel all weigh in with 11 points while Hope Arnold, Christine Butters, Cathryn Harker, Trevor Morris, Maziar Sattari and a shining Starr register 10s as the average score climbs to an unmanageable 8.25. It might be a Predictorship record.

Maziar will be kicking himself, quite possibly literally, for succumbing to a growing and worrying trend in the Predictorship – failing to predict all 10 matches (Bolton v Chelsea was his downfall). Iain, meanwhile, follows his record-breaking full house of correct results with nine more beauties. Newcastle’s Owen-inspired victory was the only result that eluded him.

In the week David Pleat saw Arsenal’s Philippe Senderos glance a header “off his balding palate”, there are more flashes of inspiration on scorecards everywhere. This week’s ‘Prediction of the Week’ contenders are Simon Gold (Newcastle 3 Everton 2), Simon (yes, him again), Cathryn Harker and Mark Young (Manchester United 4 Wigan 0), Dave McAleer (Manchester City 3 Middlesbrough 1), Trevor Morris (Fulham 0 Portsmouth 2) and Ted Warland (Liverpool 2 Tottenham 2). They’re all predictions right out of a very large top drawer. Find out which one got the nod for ‘Prediction of the Week’ below.

Amid rumours Norma has ditched husband Norman for a younger man with lots of friends, The Nil-Nils slump to the bottom of the Predictorship table for the first time this season as Trevor Morris rises like a phoenix and James Bradley returns to the fray after his wedding.

Dida – the backlash. A few of the best comments from YouTube following the Brazilian ‘keeper’s theatrics at Celtic Park …

* “He looks like a p***y, but Dida’s built like a s**thouse. He could never get away with that.”
* “What a loser. I’d love to see him tackled full speed by a professional rugby player – it would probably snap his flimsy littly body in half!”
* “I hate stupid players like Dida. I hope his career is over soon.”
* “Dida you s**g.”
* “Wow! No wonder people say soccer players are a bunch of sissies.”
* “Dida is a p***k. Simple.”
* “Dida = pathetic human being.”

Premiership Results (Week 9): Aston Villa 1-0 West Ham (9); Manchester United 4-0 Wigan (3); Arsenal 3-2 Sunderland (0); Blackburn 2-1 Birmingham (12); Bolton 0-1 Chelsea (8); Fulham 0-2 Portsmouth (1); Liverpool 2-2 Tottenham (1); Manchester City 3-1 Middlesbrough (1); Newcastle 3-2 Everton (1); Reading 1-0 Derby (16).
* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 9): 12 – Dave Taylor.
Average Score (Week 9): 8.25.
Prediction of the Week (Week 9): Simon Gold (Newcastle 3-2 Everton) – nudging out the other contenders by virtue of an aggregate goal tally of five.

Top of the Table (Week 9):

1. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 71 pts
2. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 64 pts
3. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 63 pts
4. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 62 pts
5. Seattle Gooners (Maziar Sattari) – 61 pts
6. Crystal Palace (Dave McAleer) – 61 pts
7. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 60 pts
8. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 60 pts
9. Philadelphia Eagles (Gabe Bevilacqua) – 59 pts
10. Wycombe Wanderers (Stewart Newport) – 59 pts

Iain Starr’s surname could lend itself to all sorts of pun-tastic headlines this week, but we should deal with the facts rather than lower ourselves to tabloid-style ribaldry.

The Starsenal man’s round dozen is not only the loftiest score of the season to date but, for the first time in living memory (unless you know better), a predictor claims a full house of correct results.

Not content with bagging a point for Fulham’s away draw at Avram Grant’s stuttering Chelsea, Microsoft’s Seattle-based whizzkid marched through a statuesque defence to deliver points for Blackburn’s trip to Sunderland (one of his two correct scores) and Tottenham’s highly improbable, Houdini-style, Martin Jol-reprieving comeback against the Villa. Without Younes Kaboul’s last-gasp leveller, Iain would have been nothing more than back-page news.

All this in the week he added the following (woefully ill-timed) comment to his predictions e-mail: “I have to admit, not that I thought I would easily be good at this (predicting), (but it) has been A LOT harder than I thought.” Think again, Iain, you’re laughing in the face of The Predictorship. If 12 points is hard, bring on easy!

Dave Taylor sits proudly atop the table for the third week in a row after bagging 10 points and completing a 1-0 away win treble for this season’s three likeliest Premier League title contenders: Manchester United, Arsenal and Liverpool. Sadly for Dave, a Predictorship title might be the only silverware his Chelsea boys get their hands on this season – a thought scarier than Avram’s face. At least there’s a job in a horror flick waiting for him when he gets the boot from Stamford Bridge.

In a week with lots of predictable results, there are also 10s for Charlton’s Nigel Birrell, who moves into third, Blackburn’s Sally Moon and Ipswich’s Nick Watson, who offers up yet another comment ahead of his impending re-lurch into the murky world of gambling: “Hopefully my limping tractor will be up to full speed again this week – I need to get a few decent weeks under me belt before I can start putting my hard earned dough-ray-me where my keyboard is.” Indeed.

Anyone who scored nine points this week is also worth a mention: Mike Dufficy, Cathryn Harker, John Collins (Harker Collins, now there’s a novel idea), Dave McAleer, Saleel Sathe, Ben Wallis and Janet Jones.

And you wouldn’t expect me to turn a blind eye to Reading’s record-breaking (Craig Glenday, take note) 7-4 win over Reading, so I won’t disappoint you. There you go.

Sunderland’s Trevor Morris is another predictor with egg on his face this week. “Looks like I’d better start trying,” declared our Trev after propping up the table for three consecutive weeks. One week and four points later he’s still there. If that’s trying, bring on not trying!

Keep those comments coming …

To complete the picture in this busiest of weeks, Steven Dunlop moves house as he continues to move down the table, poor Ben Wallis records the most inaccurate prediction in the history of the competition (see below) and Simon Gold’s predictions spend three days in the commentary box at Vicarage Road – and live to tell the tale.

Last Saturday, an audibly distressed Simon rang David Roberts – who was on his way to watch the Hornets take on Blackpool at Vicarage Road - with some disturbing news: he’d forgotten to submit his scores. Rather than incur the wrath of the Predictorship’s controversial Yellow Card Committee, Simon successfully begged David to scribble down his wayward predictions over the dog and bone when David was comfortably perched in the commentary box.

However, obviously elated by Watford’s table-topping antics, despite only drawing the game, David waltzed off into the early evening without Simon’s scores and they were left at the mercy of the Vicarage Road cleaners until Tuesday night, when David was back to watch the Hornets drive a nail into the relegation aspirations of Sheffield Wednesday.

Scores retrieved, three points accumulated, no yellow card for Simon. Here ends the tale.

Premiership Results - Week 8: Birmingham 0-1 Manchester United (7); Chelsea 0-0 Fulham (1); Derby 1-1 Bolton (11); Manchester City 3-1 Newcastle (0); Portsmouth 7-4 Reading (guess what: 0); Sunderland 1-2 Blackburn (7); West Ham 0-1 Arsenal (4); Wigan 0-1 Liverpool (6); Everton 2-0 Middlesbrough (8); Tottenham 4-4 Aston Villa (guess what again: 0).
* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score - Week 8: 12 – Iain Starr.
Average Score - Week 8: 7.15.
Predictions of the Week - Week 8: Rob Dimery and Michael Whitty (Chelsea 2-2 Fulham); Sally Moon and Iain Starr (Chelsea 1-1 Fulham). We all thought it could happen – only these four brave souls put their necks on the line. Ben Wallis (Portsmouth 0-0 Reading). Has a predictor even been 11 goals away from a correct score? Of course not! The stuff of legends.

Top of the Table - Week 8:

1. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 59 pts
2. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 56 pts
3. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 54 pts
4. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 52 pts
5. Millwall (John Collins) – 52 pts
6. Seattle Gooners (Maziar Sattari) – 51 pts
7. Philadelphia Eagles (Gabe Bevilacqua) – 51 pts
8. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 51 pts
9. Wycombe Wanderers (Stewart Newport) – 51 pts
10. Crystal Palace (Dave McAleer) – 50 pts