“Perhaps something, but very possibly nothing”. Steven Dunlop saw it coming.

Seattle Gooners’ Maziar Sattari and FC Squan 1980’s Patrick Bevilacqua chalk up average-busting totals (11 and 10 respectively), but far too many predictors are left licking their wounds after a horrid weekend. You know those sliced shots that end up closer to the corner flag than the back of the net? Now you get the grizzly picture.

First the good news. Four correct scores (from the games at Birmingham, Derby, Sunderland and Arsenal) elevate Maziar to God-like status when the weekly average struggles to climb above 4.7. His 11-point return is good for a six-place leap up the table to 17th. It’s a welcome return to form after his table-topping antics in weeks 2 and 3.

Patrick adds “wise man” to his CV with three correct scores (Birmingham, Derby and Arsenal) and now stands on the brink of the top 10 (13th). Like Maziar, Patrick has also seen better days this season with an early trip to the runner-up position, but it’s amazing what a bit of confidence can do in the bleak mid-winter.

West Brom’s Mark Young, who owns four (Birmingham, Derby, Sunderland and Liverpool) of the week’s 46 perfect scores, and Tottenham’s Simon Gold, who plucks a phenomenal eight correct results out of the Christmas stocking, nab nine points apiece.

Now for the bad news. Nineteen predictors (out of the 41 who showed up) fail to get beyond four points and four sorry souls – including yours truly – have to make do with just two measly points. Sheffield Wednesday’s Janet Jones and Liverpool Lawro’s Mark Lawrenson, meanwhile, make an unscheduled trip to the Predictorship’s ‘Hall of Shame’ leaderboard, which records scores of one point or less with deadly accuracy.

Arsenal-Chelsea, Liverpool-Manchester United. Two goliath v. goliath encounters, one tasty Sunday afternoon, presumably arranged by the FA to spare long-suffering husbands and boyfriends from an uncomfortable afternoon Christmas shopping with their lady friends. Hey, I don’t make the rules!

Only Saleel Sathe and his Liverpool Reserves walk away with a 100% record from the two fixtures as the 1-0 result returns to The Predictorship with a vengeance this week. Here’s the full rundown of 82 predictions from 41 predictors, with seven players going for the correct Arsenal-Chelsea result and four plumping for the final score at Anfield (both shown in bold). Don’t you just love it when it all adds up?

* Arsenal win: 21 (1-0 x 7; 2-0 x 2; 2-1 x 11; 4-2 x 1).
* Chelsea win: 5 (0-1 x 1; 0-2 x 1; 1-2 x 3).
* Arsenal-Chelsea draw: 15 (0-0 x 4; 1-1 x 10; 2-2 x 1).
* Liverpool win: 11 (1-0 x 4; 2-1 x 5; 3-2 x 2).
* Manchester United win: 16 (0-1 x 4; 0-2 x 1; 1-2 x 6; 1-3 x 3; 2-3 x 2).
* Liverpool-Manchester United draw: 14 (0-0 x 2; 1-1 x 7; 2-2 x 5).

Remember folks, the next fixtures you receive from David will be the bumper Christmas triple-header, after which your league position will determine whether you play in the Preliminary Round of The Predictorship Cup or not. It’s a time for guts, determination and nerves of steel.

Fabio Capello. He deserves a mention for taking on the England job.

A very happy Christmas to all who inhabit Predictorshipland and best wishes for 2008.

Premier League Results (Week 19): Birmingham 1-1 Reading (12); Derby 0-1 Middlesbrough (15); Fulham 0-1 Newcastle (1); Manchester City 4-2 Bolton (0); Portsmouth 0-1 Tottenham (0); Sunderland 1-1 Aston Villa (5); West Ham 0-2 Everton (2); Wigan 5-3 Blackburn (0); Arsenal 1-0 Chelsea (7); Liverpool 0-1 Manchester United (4).
* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 19): 11 – Maziar Sattari.
Average Score (Week 19): 4.78.
Prediction of the Week (Week 19): David Roberts and Jill Taylor (West Ham 0-2 Everton).

Top of the Table (Week 19):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 140 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 135 pts
3. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 132 pts
4. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 131 pts
5. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 131 pts
6. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 129 pts
7. Watford (David Roberts) – 128 pts
8. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 127 pts
9. Dartmoor Rovers (Jill Taylor) – 127 pts
10. Philadelphia Eagles (Gabe Bevilacqua) – 126 pts

“As we approach the festive season, (Blackburn’s Roque) Santa (Cruz) scores a hat-trick but still ends up on the losing side. The game’s (Wigan’s Marcus) Bent” – Gary Lineker signs off on ‘Match of the Day’.

You want more seasonal footballers? In the week TURKEY’s Tuncay Şanli blasts Middlesborough to victory at Derby, what about Jason EUELL (Southampton) and YOUL Mawene (Preston), Juan Pablo ANGEL (New York Red Bulls), NOEL Whelan (unattached), GIFTon NOEL-Williams (Elche CF), Roy CARROLL (Rangers), JESUS Navas (Sevilla), KASPAR Schmeichel (Cardiff), Mario MELCHOIR (Wigan) and SLEIGHton Baines (Everton)? (Sorry about the last two.) And will Lampard junior, Chelsea’s FRANK, be INCENSED at a refereeing decision at the weekend? OK, that’s enough.

“I don’t want to change the world, I’m not looking for a New England,” chirped the late Kirsty MacColl. Well that’s too bad. The world is changing, New England has been found and Anuradha Shenoy is blazing a trail towards the top of the Predictorship.

Seven days after feasting on 11 points, Anuradha (and you read, did you get it yet?) dines out on another joint top score of the week with nine, an impressive achievement in one of the toughest weekend’s ever witnessed in fantasy football.

Chelsea, Newcastle and Tottenham, amazingly the only three fixtures that provided correct score joy this week, precisely matched Anuradha’s accurate guesswork to propel New England to a new high: seventh. That’s a combined 29 points for Anuradha in the last three weeks. Mightily impressive.

This week’s other novenarian (I’ve no idea if that’s a real word) is Liverpool’s Joe Zalewski, who makes his mark with two correct scores and a magnificent “bonus” point for predicting a win for away-day specialists Portsmouth at the Villa (aka Mark Young’s TBICAB). Nobody else took the “Pompey plunge” on a similar result.

Speaking of impressive predictions, we must salute the Wallers, Gary and Marion, who both had ‘Reading win against Liverpool’ on their radars, and the five brave warriors who knew Derby would finally score on the road (at Manchester United, of all places): James Bradley, Janet Jones, Maziar Sattari, Marion and hot-shot Zalewski.

And did anyone foresee Premier League front-runners Arsenal slipping up at the ‘Boro? Come on, don’t be silly!

On a fixture card that produced eight home wins, no draws and seven scores of ‘1’ for visiting teams (indeed the last seven games on the list), Christine Butters and Alex Iskandar Liew also have to be lauded for evading the madness and making off with eight points apiece. Both swiped three correct scores – unsurprisingly, the same three as Anuradha. Steven Dunlop and Jill Taylor also make a mockery of the average score with tasty eights. Now is there anyone I haven’t “bigged-up” yet?

The clue was in the previous paragraph, but no shared spoils spells disaster for Norma No Mates and the six absentees who keep her company on ‘0’ points. Of most concern is Neil Hayes, who has now been AWOL for six weeks on the bounce. Detectives are on the case, scouring the coastline around Cypriarkos for signs of a wrecked canoe and hunting high and low for a complicit wife in Panama.

Premier League Results (Week 18): Aston Villa 1-3 Portsmouth (0); Chelsea 2-0 Sunderland (11); Everton 3-0 Fulham (0); Manchester United 4-1 Derby (0); Newcastle 2-1 Birmingham (10); Reading 3-1 Liverpool (0); Middlesbrough 2-1 Arsenal (0); Blackburn 0-1 West Ham (0); Bolton 4-1 Wigan (0); Tottenham 2-1 Manchester City (10).
* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 18): 9 – Anuradha Shenoy and Joe Zalewski.
Average Score (Week 18): 5.70.
Predictions of the Week (Week 18): Gary Waller (Reading 1-0 Liverpool) and Marion Waller (Reading 2-1 Liverpool).

Top of the Table (Week 18):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 136 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 130 pts
3. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 129 pts
4. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 129 pts
5. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 128 pts
6. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 124 pts
7. New England (Anuradha Shenoy) – 123 pts
8. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 122 pts
9. Watford (David Roberts) – 122 pts
10. Dartmoor Rovers (Jill Taylor) – 120 pts

“Well this was a surprise. Liverpool had never lost to Reading, ever, in anything” – Tim somebody-or-other, BBC sports correspondent, brings us news of Reading 3 Liverpool 1.

Cheltenham Town’s Rob Dimery (26th), New England’s Anuradha Shenoy (9th) and Nottingham Forest’s Matthew White (3rd) take the honours in week 17, each weighing in with 11 points.

Rob’s FOUR correct scores smear a whole lot more icing on a cake he all but decorated in week 14 when he registered a season’s best score of 13. GWR’s seasoned editorial wonderkid now has a magnificent 25 correct scores to his name, more than any other predictor bar runaway leader Mike Dufficy, who has 26.

Rookie predictor Anuradha, who usurps her other half, Saleel Sathe (13th), returns to the top 10 and is now just one place shy of her personal best. Eight correct results and three correct scores make it all possible for India’s new heroine.

Matthew, with more correct results to his name – 107 – than any predictor on the face of the planet and eyeing a fourth consecutive top 10 finish in the league, rises to a new peak thanks to an inspired goalless draw prediction for the Portsmouth-Everton match plus two more maximums.

A bunch of fives: The aforementioned Mike (129 points) – five weeks in pole position – has a comfortable five-point lead over Chelsea’s Dave Taylor (124), with Matthew (123), Charlton Athletic’s Nigel Birrell (122) and Clapton F.C.’s Cathryn Harker (122) in close attendance. The top five now enjoy a five-point cushion over the nearest raider, West Ham’s Wendy Nathan (117).

Not content with making the usual 10 predictions, some players took it upon themselves to offer additional commentary on the weekend’s fixtures – and much more besides.

“Fat Sam” (Allardyce) will be sacked after Newcastle’s 3-0 defeat at Blackburn, warned Rob Molloy. (Not yet.) “I feel your pain on the Croatia thing,” sympathised Gabe Bevilacqua. (Er, thanks.) Ipswich-Barnsley (in the Championship) has “humdinger written all over it, literally,” enthused Nick Watson. (If by “literal humdinger” you mean a scoreless draw, then yes it was.) And as for Stewart Newport, there was no stopping him as he embarked on another commentary crusade.

“Excitement with Sunderland-Derby and Reading-The Boro,” began Stewart’s latest missive in response to David Roberts’ fixture list introduction. “I think you are overexcited. Now, if the following happened this weekend, then excitement abounds:

* Aston Villa-Arsenal: Wenger’s bad mood from Tuesday hangs over and he lamps Martin O’Neill;

* Blackburn-Newcastle: Toon Army shout “you are not fit to wear the shirt”; Big Sam (aka “Fat Sam”) obliges and puts one on. He looks like a stripy Michelin man;

* Chelsea-West Ham: Avram Grant maintains a calm air … the man is dull, devoid of excitement. (Sadly the only true statement here.);

* Portsmouth-Everton: Police arrest David James (whilst looking for Harry after a daring escape from custody in a helicopter) for a haircut in the shape of a copper’s helmet: he had even installed a flashing blue light;

* Reading-Middlesbrough: Steve Coppell gets quite excited at the win but then remembers he is a thinker and goes into one on the angularity of Gareth Southgate’s chin being not unlike the formation of his midfield;

* Sunderland-Derby: Roy Keane rubs his stubble and makes his hand spontaneously combust. Paul Jewell refers to the Derby fans as “great”;

* Wigan-Manchester City: Sven is seen getting the number of a police woman. (This has to be true as well.);

* Liverpool-Bolton: Rafa is seen wearing a Stars and Stripes tie;

* Tottenham-Birmingham: Robinson saves a penalty and makes several good saves, wakes up, realises he has missed the game and finds out he was replaced by the team mascot, Peter, aged 8, from Hertford. He has a tidy game but gets booked for time-wasting;

* Manchester United-Fulham: Fergie warmly congratulates the ref on a good game and even gives up on his childish season-long strop and is seen talking to ‘Match of the Day’ post-match.

Now back to reality. Are you “Up for the Cup”?

The Predictorship Cup returns on the weekend of 5th & 6th January with a Preliminary Round for players occupying positions 22-43 in the Predictorship table as of 1st January 2008.

If you’re lucky enough to be in the top 21 positions on 1st January, you won’t take part in the Preliminary Round and your name will go straight into the hat for Round 1 (26th & 27th January), along with the winners of the 11 Preliminary Round ties.

(Note: it’s just been confirmed that there’s a double double-header of Predictorship fixtures over the festive period, so there are points galore up for grabs between now and 1st January and more than enough time to secure a top-21 place for those languishing near the bottom of the league - or fall like a stone into the nether regions of the table).

The Predictorship Cup is a straight knock-out competition. You predict the week’s fixtures in the normal way and the points you score not only count towards your League campaign but also your Cup score. In simple terms, if you score more points than your Cup opponent, you progress to the next round at his or her expense.

If you score the same number of points as your opponent, the tie goes to a replay the following weekend. If the replay ends in a draw, the player with the most correct scores in the replay (or over the two weekends if players still cannot be separated) progresses to the next round. If there is still no winner, the highest-ranked player in that week’s league table goes forward to the next round.

The rest of this season’s Predictorship Cup dates are: Round 2 (16th & 17th February); Quarter-Finals (8th & 9th March); Semi-Finals (5th & 6th April); Final (17th May). All dates correspond with FA Cup weekends.

A round-up of the weekend’s Predictorship Cup action will appear on FC Camena alongside the regular League updates.

Millwall’s John Collins won the inaugural Predictorship Cup in 2006, and Sheffield Wednesday’s Janet Jones – the first predictor to do the League and Cup double, albeit in different seasons – walked off with the trophy in 2007. Will you add your name to this list of winners in 2008?

Premier League Results (Week 17): Aston Villa 1-2 Arsenal (11); Blackburn 3-1 Newcastle (0); Chelsea 1-0 West Ham (3); Portsmouth 0-0 Everton (2); Reading 1-1 Middlesbrough (4); Sunderland 1-0 Derby (14); Wigan 1-1 Manchester City (10); Liverpool 4-0 Bolton (1); Tottenham 2-3 Birmingham (0); Manchester United 2-0 Fulham (9).
* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 17): 11 – Rob Dimery, Anuradha Shenoy and Matthew White.
Average Score (Week 17): 7.39.
Prediction of the Week (Week 17): Rob Molloy (Liverpool 4-0 Bolton). Honourable mentions to Nicola Savage and Gary Waller, the only two predictors who thought Alex McLeish’s new charges, Birmingham, were capable of picking up three points at Tottenham (both went for a 2-1 win for the Blues).

Top of the Table (Week 17):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 129 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 124 pts
3. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 123 pts
4. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 122 pts
5. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 122 pts
6. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 117 pts
7. Watford (David Roberts) – 116 pts
8. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 116 pts
9. New England (Anuradha Shenoy) – 114 pts
10. Crystal Palace (Dave McAleer) – 113 pts

“During actual matches, it is as though everybody’s brains are switched off. People play by instinct, how they did when they first discovered football” – Chelsea’s Florent Malouda has a go at the Premier League.

“You can eat whatever you like, drink Coke or anything” – Florent Malouda.

“I have been warned about the Christmas periods in English football. They sound terrible” – Surprise, surprise, it’s Florent Malouda again.

“In all fairness, we (the USA) over-performed in 2002, but reverted to the mean in 2006. We have a pretty cushy set-up for qualifying for things, and don’t play very many real matches against quality teams” – Gabe Bevilacqua. You heard it here first.