Thirty-nine players, 168 points, five draws, 36 goals. Don’t bother working out the average score. It was surely the worst week of scoring in the history of The Predictorship, and a handful of predictors are thanking their lucky stars that Sunderland and Arsenal chalked up wins to save them from the embarrassment of all embarrassments – a blank score sheet.

Still, it could have been far worse. A computer malfunction at Predictorship HQ could have spelt D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R for the competition and had us all registering big fat zeros for week 39. Fortunately, at the 11th hour, common sense prevailed and our predictions returned from their unscheduled trip into hyperspace. They might as well not have bothered. Indeed, the average score this week, for anyone disobedient enough to ignore my request in the first paragraph, was a pathetic 4.3 (which, incidentally, is about the score Didier Drogba would get for artistic merit had a panel of judges been marking his most recent collection of dives).

The few players who found a modicum of success this week scattered a plentiful number of draws amongst their 10 predictions – or all 10 predictions in the case of a highly perceptive Southampton fan called Tom Palmer. Tom’s unprecedented scorecard furnished him with six points, including a well-earned maximum for Everton 2 Aston Villa 2, but there was even better to come …

Crystal Palace follower Dave McAleer recorded a remarkable nine points, aided by Chelsea 2 Manchester United 1 and Tottenham 1 Bolton 1, and Rob Molloy claimed eight points courtesy of three correct scores, a number matched only by Ted Warland, whose seven points was matched only by John Collins and fast-finishing Liverpool Lawro gaffer Mark Lawrenson. Right, that’s enough matching for this week. Now for something completely different …

Regrettably, after two seasons of facts, figures, fun and indeed frolics on FC Camena, The Nottingham Florist will vacate the position of Predictorship scribe at the end of the season. Would anybody like to step into his size 10-and-a-half boots? If you’re interested in writing a weekly (or bi-weekly?) column from the start of next season, please send your CV to Predictorship chairman David Roberts, together with a covering letter specifying your current income and relevant qualifications and, while you’re at it, why not submit a 1,000-word article saying why, in your opinion, The Predictorship is so damn good. If there are no takers, then sadly The Predictorship will return to the days of yore, when just a hearty bowl of broth, a juicy orange and a league table sufficed.

Premier League Results (Week 39): Birmingham 2-2 Liverpool (0); Chelsea 2-1 Manchester United (7); Manchester City 2-3 Fulham (0); Sunderland 3-2 Middlesbrough (0); Tottenham 1-1 Bolton (5); West Ham 2-2 Newcastle (3); Wigan 0-0 Reading (3); Everton 2-2 Aston Villa (5); Portsmouth 0-1 Blackburn (4); Derby 2-6 Arsenal (0).

* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 39): 9 – Dave McAleer.
Average Score (Week 39): 4.30.
Prediction of the Week (Week 39): Nigel Birrell, John Collins, Cathryn Harker and Steve McHugh (Portsmouth 0-1 Blackburn).

Top of the Table (Week 39):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 280 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 266 pts
3. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 266 pts
4. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 263 pts
5. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 263 pts
6. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 257 pts
7. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 256 pts
8. Blackburn Rovers (Sally Moon) – 255 pts
9. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 255 pts
10. Benfica (Steven Dunlop) – 254 pts

Question of the Week …

What links teams that were relegated out of the Football League in 1993, 2002, 2003, 2006 and 2008? Answer at the bottom of the page.

Quotes of the Week …

Following “court jester” and former BBC pundit Ian Wright’s ranting and raving (see last week’s column), here are a few ‘Wrightisms’ from the man himself:

* “It took a lot of bottle for Tony Adams to own up to alcoholism”

* “I don’t make predictions. I never have done and never will do” (So you don’t want to be our guest predictor next season then Wrighty?)

* “You’ve got to take the rough with the smooth. It’s like love and hate, war and peace, all that b*******”

‘Question of the Week’ answer: the letter ‘X’ – Halifax Town (1993 and 2002), Exeter City (2003), Oxford United (2006) and Wrexham (2008). Could Crewe Alexandra be next?

Earlier in the season it was ‘Rob’ week in The Predictorship. Now we celebrate ‘Steve’ week as Messrs Dunlop and McHugh each fire in a round dozen.

By his own admission, Steven Dunlop had a miserable week before his Predictorship pick-me-up. He watched with jaw-dropping dismay as his beloved Benfica lost by the odd goal or two in eight in the Portuguese Cup at the grubby hands of arch-rivals Sporting Lisbon, although the spectacle was sportingly described by Steven as the “best match I’ve seen in Portugal”.

But what a difference a weekend makes. After “hovering outside the top 10” for much of the campaign, Steven lunges into the aforementioned 10 for the very first time this season with 12 points, consisting of a mighty FOUR correct scores for the two-goal action at each of the homes of Arsenal, Fulham, Wigan and Newcastle. Steven replaces Dartmoor Rover Jill Taylor in the top 10, surprisingly the only positional change in the top portion of the league this week.

Substitute Newcastle for Blackburn and you stumble across the lofty exploits of Steve McHugh, whose profitable 12-point week culminates in a three place leap up the table to 25th and promotion to League 1 for his boys, Peterborough United, and their cop-bothering gaffer Darren Ferguson, son of gum-chewing-with-mouth-open Manchester United boss Sir Alex.

The Steves were given a run for their proverbial money in this high-scoring week (average 7.73) by 11s for Rob Molloy, Michael Whitty and Nick Watson. News has reached Predictorship HQ that Nick and fellow forecaster Rob “Dimmo” Dimery have been engaging in some extra-curricular activities of late, culminating in the first ever live performance by the GWR house band, The Infamous Grouse. “We redefined the boundaries of pub rock,” claimed Nick. Only he and “Dimmo” know the truth …

Mike Dufficy, who now rests his back on a 15-point cushion atop the league table, Predictorship Cup finalist Sally Moon and “end of season nothing to play for candidate” Mark Young, who’s about to celebrate West Brom’s highly-anticipated return to the top flight of English football, all amass 10 points. Well done all round.

Premier League Results (Week 38): Arsenal 2-0 Reading (15); Blackburn 1-1 Manchester United (6); Fulham 0-2 Liverpool (9); Middlesbrough 0-1 Bolton (0); West Ham 2-1 Derby (2); Wigan 1-1 Tottenham (12); Aston Villa 5-1 Birmingham (0); Manchester City 3-1 Portsmouth (0); Newcastle 2-0 Sunderland (6); Scottish Premier League Result (Week 38): Celtic 1-0 Aberdeen (4).

* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 38): 12 – Steven Dunlop and Steve McHugh.
Average Score (Week 38): 7.73.
Prediction of the Week (Week 38): Dave McAleer, Steve McHugh, Rob Molloy, Sally Moon, Michael Whitty and Mark Young (Blackburn 1-1 Manchester United).

Top of the Table (Week 38):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 278 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 263 pts
3. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 262 pts
4. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 259 pts
5. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 257 pts
6. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 254 pts
7. Blackburn Rovers (Sally Moon) – 253 pts
8. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 251 pts
9. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 250 pts
10. Benfica (Steven Dunlop) – 249 pts

Question of the Week …

Following the success, or otherwise, of last week’s ‘Question of the Week’ feature, here’s another poser to let your brain cells loose on. According to ‘Match of the Day’, which veteran striker has NEVER lost a Premier League match in which he’s scored? Answer at the bottom of the page.

Rant of the Week …

No, not Chelsea’s constant chirping at having to play two Premier League games in three days (poor darlings - Liverpool had to play a Premier League fixture on Saturday (not Thursday), three days (not five) before their Champions League semi-final against, er, oh that’s right, Chelsea), this week’s ‘Rant of the Week’ belongs to former Arsenal forward Ian Wright, who was gunning for the BBC – his now former employer – when he quit ‘Match of the Day’ last week for a career on TalkSport and as host of the soon-to-be-revamped ‘Gladiators’:

“I don’t know how long young people are going to want to sit down and watch that same old ‘jacket, shirt and tie’ format,” argued Wright. “I feel like I’m just there as a comedy jester to break the ice with Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen, who just do run-of-the-mill things. I can’t do that anymore. People want something different.”

‘Question of the Week’ answer: Darius Vassell.

I can exclusively reveal that Sally Moon’s Blackburn Rovers will do battle with Alex Iskandar Liew’s Tricky Trees in the final of The Predictorship Cup on Saturday, 17th May.

Sally’s Rovers put paid to an all-Nottingham Forest final with a 5-3 semi-final replay win over Matthew White’s band of merry men, picking up maximum points for Manchester United 2 Arsenal 1 and a surprise bonus point for predicting a Fulham win at Reading with her “last minute” selections.

“That’s great,” confirmed an elated Sally to the beaten semi-finalists. “It’s good to have some cheery news. It must have been the training at Ewood (Park) that did it, probably led your boys astray.” (Forest had a vigorous training session in Blackburn the night before the big re-match.)

In the league, it’s déjà vu all over again for the leading predictors, who collectively fail to press home their superiority with some outlandish mediocrity. Still, Mike Dufficy’s five points are enough to extend his title-winning lead to 12 points and bring up his 25th consecutive week at the helm. Dave Taylor (4 points), Matthew White (3), Saleel Sathe (5) and Christine Butters (3) are powerless to loosen Mike’s grip on the trophy, although Cathryn Harker bursts into the top five with a respectable seven points.

Ted Warland returns to the top 20 for the first time in yonks courtesy of week 37’s top score, nine points. “Like Arsenal, I’m only playing for the honour now,” revealed Ted when submitting his predictions. Consider yourself well and truly honoured, Mr Warland.

Nearly everyone who’s anyone this week bagged two points for Birmingham 1 Everton 1, and Ted – whose other spot-on prediction was the game at Old Trafford – was given a run for his honour by eight-pointers from Dave McAleer, Nick Watson, Michael Whitty and Anuradha Shenoy, who had the audacity to pick a seismic three correct scores from the ruins of this wretched week.

Premier League Results (Week 37): Birmingham 1-1 Everton (13); Bolton 1-0 West Ham (7); Derby 0-6 Aston Villa (0); Portsmouth 0-0 Newcastle (1); Reading 0-2 Fulham (0); Sunderland 1-2 Manchester City (2); Tottenham 1-1 Middlesbrough (4); Liverpool 3-1 Blackburn (3); Manchester United 2-1 Arsenal (9); Chelsea 1-1 Wigan (0).

* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 37): 9 – Ted Warland.
Average Score (Week 37): 4.95.
Prediction of the Week (Week 37): Trevor Morris, Wendy Nathan and Michael Whitty (Liverpool 3-1 Blackburn); Nicola Savage and Iain Starr (Sunderland 1-2 Manchester City).

Top of the Table (Week 37):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 268 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 256 pts
3. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 254 pts
4. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 251 pts
5. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 248 pts
6. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 247 pts
7. Blackburn Rovers (Sally Moon) – 243 pts
8. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 243 pts
9. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 242 pts
10. Dartmoor Rovers (Jill Taylor) – 240 pts

Question of the Week …

Which former Welsh international and Manchester United trainee has turned out for Crewe Alexandra, Leicester City, Birmingham City, Blackburn Rovers and Derby County but has never played in the Championship? Answer at the bottom of the page.

Quotes of the Week …

“Ooh, that looks like a dislocated finger for Kevin Davies. That’s a real man, isn’t it? (He) turns away as the physio straightens it for him, and there’s barely a flinch” – Match of the Day’s Tony Gubba, Bolton v West Ham.

“I think we can safely say that the game is over” – Match of the Day’s master of the understatement, Ian Gwyn Hughes, Derby v Aston Villa, immediately after Villa striker Marlon Harewood makes it 6-0 to the visitors.

‘Question of the Week’ answer: Robbie Savage.

Alex Iskandar Liew’s Tricky Trees (if you can’t see the wood for the trees, it’s a reference to the mighty Nottingham Forest) are the first team to book a date at the brand spanking new Wembley following a tense 7-6 win over Hope Arnold’s Everton in the Predictorship Cup semi-finals. Up the Trees!

Alex’s charges are still waiting to find out who they’ll face in the showpiece final after the “Battle of Suffolk” between Matthew White’s Nottingham Forest and Sally Moon’s Blackburn Rovers finished all square at 8-8. The replay is wheeled out at Ewood Park this weekend.

Alex was so desperate to lead his team out on to Wembley’s hallowed turf that he even offered up an 11th prediction, Manchester City 0 Chelsea 2, when he spotted that the game had been puzzlingly omitted from last weekend’s fixture card to make way for the two FA Cup semi-finals. Quite how the City v Chelsea game got overlooked in favour of Wigan v Birmingham or Fulham v Sunderland is a mystery, but to question the fixture compiler would be as unwise as a two-footed lunge on a referee or player of your choice, wearing boots with six-inch blades for studs.

The Predictorship Cup Semi-Finals

1. NOTTINGHAM FOREST (Matthew White) (3) 8-8 BLACKBURN ROVERS (Sally Moon) (8)
2. TRICKY TREES (Alex Iskandar Liew) (14) 7-6 EVERTON (Hope Arnold) (15)

* Figures in brackets show current league position.

Now back to the humdrum of the league, where Mike Dufficy’s lead over Dave Taylor now stands at 11 points. With just five weeks of the season left, the chances of Dave, third-placed Matthew White or a rallying, fourth-placed Saleel Sathe catching the Channel-Islander are, like Jersey off the coast of southern England, somewhat remote.

Saleel climbs to a seasonal high thanks to 10 points, which includes maximum points for the FA Cup semi-finals. Nicola ‘more than the average’ Savage, who recently flew the GWR nest in search of pastures new, also nets an impressive 10 points, a total that features the two-point ripsnorters Portsmouth 1 West Brom 0 and Blackburn 1 Tottenham 1.

Maziar Sattari is one place and four points off a top 10 berth after collecting nine points, featuring correct results for the Portsmouth, Blackburn and Everton games.

Finally, some early publicity for our annual ‘Prediction of the Season’ jamboree. The runners and riders will be posted right here before the curtain falls on another campaign. Get ready to cast your vote!

FA Cup Semi-Final Results (Week 36): Portsmouth 1-0 West Brom (5); Barnsley 0-1 Cardiff (7); Premier League Results (Week 36): Arsenal 1-1 Liverpool (4); Aston Villa 4-0 Bolton (0); Blackburn 1-1 Tottenham (10); Fulham 1-3 Sunderland (0); Newcastle 3-0 Reading (2); Wigan 2-0 Birmingham (2); Everton 1-0 Derby (5); Middlesbrough 2-2 Manchester United (2).

* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 36): 10 – Saleel Sathe and Nicola Savage.
Average Score (Week 36): 6.46.
Prediction of the Week (Week 36): Ben Wallis and Ted Warland (Middlesbrough 2-2 Manchester United).

Top of the Table (Week 36):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 263 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 252 pts
3. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 251 pts
4. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 246 pts
5. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 244 pts
6. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 241 pts
7. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 239 pts
8. Blackburn Rovers (Sally Moon) – 238 pts
9. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 238 pts
10. Dartmoor Rovers (Jill Taylor) – 236 pts

Things are getting fractious in The Predictorship. The red mist descended on three players over the weekend as the pressure intensifies with just a few nerve-jangling weeks of the season left. With the exception of Mike Dufficy and Norma No Mates, who comprehensively top and tail the league table, there’s still all to play for.

Twenty-four predictors still have ever-present records heading into week 36, a number which would have included Janet Jones had it not been for a catastrophic “mini honeymoon” blunder. My reliable source, who accompanied the Sheffield Wednesday supporter to a luxury five-star hotel in St. Albans, picks up the story: “We have just returned from a mini honeymoon where Janet revealed that she forgot to do her scores. The last thing she did before we left the house was switch on her computer for predicting purposes. It was still on when we got home today. Please make an example of her!” We just have, Mr Reliable Source.

While Mike retains his healthy lead (this week its down to 12 points) and Steven Dunlop adopts the highly commendable “straight out of the bag no reflection technique” to secure six points, Hope Arnold, Simon Gold and guest predictor Mark Lawrenson ram home 10 points. Hope and Simon had the foresight to forecast three correct scores: both had the Portsmouth and Sunderland results spot-on while Hope magnificently predicted a 4-0 win for Manchester United and Simon bagged Liverpool’s narrow 1-0 win against Everton in the Merseyside derby, like. Mark and Ted Warland, who along with Saleel Sathe ends up with nine points, both bagged eight correct results.

In other news, Ben Wallis was on for a massive return with eight points from the first six games on the fixture list but sadly no points were forthcoming from the final four games and he had to settle for what he had. Trevor Morris, meanwhile, predicted six of the best for Manchester United (the first score of six to emerge in a while in The Predictorship) and the Wallers are making headlines yet again: Gary for being the only player in 37 to forecast a Newcastle win at Tottenham and Marion for another humdinger of a prediction, Bolton 2 Arsenal 3. Is there no stopping this talented Ranger?

This weekend sees the return of The Predictorship Cup. While Barnsley, Cardiff, Portsmouth and West Brom do battle in the Mickey Mouse Cup, Matthew White’s Nottingham Forest take on Sally Moon’s Blackburn Rovers in the “Battle of Suffolk” and Alex Iskandar Liew’s Tricky Trees face Hope Arnold’s Everton, semi-final ties churned out once again by Nick Watson’s now infamous Randomizer. A place in the final on 17th May awaits …

The Predictorship Cup Semi-Finals (5th-6th April)

1. NOTTINGHAM FOREST (Matthew White) (3) v BLACKBURN ROVERS (Sally Moon) (8)
2. TRICKY TREES (Alex Iskandar Liew) (14) v EVERTON (Hope Arnold) (15)

* Figures in brackets show current league position.

Premier League Results (Week 35): Birmingham 3-1 Manchester City (0); Bolton 2-3 Arsenal (1); Derby 2-2 Fulham (1); Manchester United 4-0 Aston Villa (1); Portsmouth 2-0 Wigan (12); Reading 0-0 Blackburn (2); Sunderland 2-1 West Ham (7); Chelsea 1-0 Middlesbrough (4); Liverpool 1-0 Everton (4); Tottenham 1-4 Newcastle (0).

* Figures in brackets show the number of correct predictions for each game.

Highest Score (Week 35): 10 – Hope Arnold, Simon Gold and Mark Lawrenson.
Average Score (Week 35): 6.56.
Predictions of the Week (Week 35): Hope Arnold (Manchester United 4-0 Aston Villa); Mark Lawrenson (Derby 2-2 Fulham); Marion Waller (Bolton 2-3 Arsenal).

Top of the Table (Week 35):

1. Jersey United (Mike Dufficy) – 257 pts
2. Chelsea (Dave Taylor) – 245 pts
3. Nottingham Forest (Matthew White) – 243 pts
4. Manchester City (Christine Butters) – 238 pts
5. Liverpool Reserves (Saleel Sathe) – 236 pts
6. Charlton Athletic (Nigel Birrell) – 234 pts
7. Clapton F.C. (Cathryn Harker) – 233 pts
8. Blackburn Rovers (Sally Moon) – 230 pts
9. West Ham United (Wendy Nathan) – 230 pts
10. Dartmoor Rovers (Jill Taylor) – 230 pts