Out of the (Water) Closet

Having had longer than usual to contemplate this week’s report following an introduction to a lively avocado over the weekend, The Predictorship reporting team has used this as an opportunity to conduct further research. We can guarantee that our findings are not to be sniffed at, so if you’re hoping to improve your predictive powers as we march towards the end of the season, read on… i

We begin with Predictorship contender Steven Dunlop who, puffed-up with pride after encountering Athletico’s Simao Sabrosa (The Fame Game), threw caution to the wind this weekend to run the Lisbon half-marathon. Chomping his way through a bunch of bananas to stave off the marathon athlete’s nightmare, ‘the runners trots’, Steven has no doubt been keeping a firm grip on his packet of Rennies. Curiously though, the bananas also seemed to have stemmed Steven’s flow of inspiration and, after a brief foray into the leading pack, he drops out of the top 10.

In contrast, we see Ralph Hannah and Joe Zalewski sprinting out of the closet and up the table with a remarkable 11 points each. The Chairman will be sending Joe a complementary gift pack of medicated Izal following this result: the panel have surmised that his run of late scores are more than likely due to heavy Friday night partying and the need to regularly visit the big white telephone on a Saturday morning. Mark Young has recommended a good clinic and we will be forwarding the details to Joe.

In light of these suspicions we would like to take this opportunity to pass on a message from Predictorship Cup Chairman and Director of Statistics Matt White who warns contenders that he will be tightening up on the Saturday 12.45 deadline from now on and that there will be 10 0-0s awarded to anybody failing to make this. We know it’s harsh, but it’s for your own good!

At the top of table, Chairman David Roberts is yet again flushed with another bout of success (aided by his daily bowl of prunes) and moves up to third place within pip-spitting distance of the leaders. Chris Butters is once again blessed with a regular motion towards the title and remains unperturbed by Saleel Sathe gently surging up behind her.

Over on the other side of the pond, Mark Young expresses his relief in the Connecticut snow with the aid of a bowl of Boston baked beans. High in carbohydrates and vitamins these little suckers obviously have what it takes to increase the powers of predicting perception as Mark cruises yet another two points up the table.

And we can only suspect that with the sunnier weather in the UK a whole raft of you have been sampling the spring greens as you produced an average score of 6.52 and turned in a ludicrously high 62 correct scores this week: the most popular being Blackburn 1 West Ham 1 (15), Manchester City 1 Sunderland 0 (13) and Wigan 1 Hull 1 (13).

Riding high on a varied selection of dietary fibre our Predictors of the Week Hope Arnold, Tom Palmer and Maziar Sattari (Newcastle 1-3 Arsenal) squeeze themselves into this year’s Predictorship role of honour. We must also mention Steve McHugh and Rob Molloy who bagged a point apiece for predicting Tottenham 2 Chelsea 1; nobody else saw a Spurs win on the horizon.

In light of all this you will not be surprised to hear the results of this week research:

A good dose of Epsom salts and lager will see you briefly surge up the table, but prunes, baked beans and bananas will see you make steady progress towards the top. Oh yes, and avoid avocados at all costs.

So choose those fruits and vegetables wisely and good luck with another fragrant week of predicting.