Saleel’s Got Talent!

Donning his support tights and plastic court shoes Saleel Sathe takes to the stage to give us his own very special rendition of ‘Memories’ as he takes on the mantle of Predictorship Champion 2009. Saleel’s really been on the ‘boyle’ in the last few weeks (12 points in week 36, 11 points in weeks 37 & 38) which we believe deserves a standing ovation and a complementary visit to Nicky Clark’s.

Despite the rightful celebrations, as with all competitions where there is so much at stake, there are some pretty dirty shenanigans going on behind the scenes. Chairman Roberts (head of the judging panel) has been striding around with menace in his unfashionably high-waisted trousers looking for our noble statistician. Predictorship Cup Chairman Matt White , giddy from his 5th place finish and madly crunching numbers in the wings, is about to fall prey to the the chisel-jawed chairman who knows that to win the 7th place spot over his lovely wife Janet Roberts (who’s just nipped out for a quick blow dry) now’s the time to pile on the pressure.

As Janet saunters back into the theatre, she spots the Chairman shaking hands with Matt White who’s just stashed a bottle of Jack Daniels in his rucksack. It looks as if a deal has already been done. And with the publishing of the table, the sorry truth is revealed – the Roberts’ are inseparable on 257 points, each with 213 correct results and 44 correct scores. However, Matt’s ruling is that David comes out on top by virtue of the fact that ‘D’ comes before ‘J’ in the alphabet. Blimey. I wouldn’t like to consider where those acrylic nails are going to end up this evening!

But the show must go on… and cue Dave Taylor and Pete Yoder tumbling spectacularly across the stage in their best military bib and tucker. Soaring above the rest in their shiny plimsolls with 12 points each in this final week the pressure has definitely helped Pete to turn in a gravity-defying performance:

‘Here are my final picks in hope of defying the statisticians and soaring to the top of table.’

stated Pete as he submitted his scores to land a very respectable third. Sadly not enough to catch the headline acts Chris Butters (top for an amazing 27 weeks and 41 weeks in the top five) and Champion Saleel (top for a mere 7 weeks).

Unfortunately, the judges have lost concentration in the performances and are flicking ink from their Watermans over each other’s designer clothing. It’s raining blue in more ways than one and Matt, in vain, tries to break up the sorry display.

Meanwhile back stage, a stewards enquiry is just beginning into a new vote-rigging scandal as it is revealed that the Moonerazzi and spouse Millwall’s John Collins have finished the season on identical points – separated by only one correct score. Amidst the furore, a News of the World reporter sporting a tiarra has been spotted in the wings hoping to snuffle out a headline but, before he can be questioned, a valiant Mark Young – defender of the Moonerazzi, launches the dustbin hanging from his ears into the face of the hapless reporter.

Drowning out the moans of the bloodied hack the audience take to their feet to welcome the final Predictors of the Week. Hope Arnold and Joe Zalewski have been juggling with fire to come up with an audacious Fulham 0 Everton 2 prediction… and stage left, Rob Dimery, Rob Molloy and Pete Yoder pull their feathery flowers out of the hat with a seeringly accurate Liverpool 3 Tottenham 1.

But no sooner has the applause dies down a heavy thud ls heard behind the Union Jack and as the scenery shifts, a dazed Mark Young is revealed, rambling incoherently following his tussle in the wings:

Is life worth living? On the off chance that it is (its a stupendously glorious day in Connecticut after all as I write from my front porch with the dogs wondering what last day Predictorship magic I’m going to weave…)’

Mark is reliving his fanciful score predictions and is having a hard time coming to terms with the Baggies relegation. Putting in a score for their final challenge (Blackburn 0, West Bromwich 2) it looks like it’s time for another visit to the clinic and grabbing Matt’s Jack Daniels on the way past, Ant and Dec cart him off the stage.

Hopefully the off season is a quiet one for us all as we gather ourselves together in readiness for another thrilling assault in the autumn. And finally, can somebody can stop Ted Warland break dancing? Ted, you’re TOO OLD.

Thanks for reading the reports this season. I hope you’ve enjoyed them.

The Moonerazzi